Pain and Nightmares Connecting
by BloomingViolets
Summary: She's just so tired of it all...


Hey everyone! Wow, it's been awhile since I've written a Passions' fic, huh? Honestly, I've lost a lot of interest in this show. While I do like the idea of Foxay, Therox will always **Always** be my favorite Passions' couple. To all those who are waiting for 'Only You and Me' to be updated, I'm sorry to say that it will probably never be finished since I've lost all inspiration for it – therox aren't together anymore and Justin Hartley left the show. You might see a new fic here and there from me, but this is most likely my last Pasions' fic. Thank you for all the support everyone has given me. It was fun while it lasted.

Note: This idea just popped into my head and I basically wrote it within ten minutes. It sucks I know, but I just had to get the idea out of my head.

Disclaimer: I don't own Passions.

_xxx_

_Theresa's P.O.V. _

The dictionary definition of a nightmare is a frightening or unpleasant dream that arouses feelings of intense fear, horror and distress. A terrifying or a very unpleasant experience of a situation. A haunting or obsessive fear. The nightmare world would be a place full of things that we hated and dislike or where our fears were realized and would haunt us every second of the day, constantly following and watching us. A nightmare world could be a place where reality kicks in and the ones we love are taken away in a blink of an eye.

The dictionary definition of pain is an unpleasant sensation occurring in varying degrees of severity as a consequence of injury, disease, or emotional disorder. One of the uterine contractions occurring in childbirth. Someone being annoying or a nuisance.

To me, my nightmares and my pain are connected, mocking me every single second of every single day. I have always lived my life on impulse, never thinking about my actions and responsibilities. I live my life everyday not myself – building up a wall that hides away the true me and as far as I know; only one person had ever been able to break through and see my inner self.

I used to have so many dreams. God, my teenage years seem so long ago. I wanted to go to college – to learn about history, write essays that I would probably get an average grade on, to complain about calculus, to go to college parties and meet new people, to major in fashion and English. I wanted to be a fashion designer – to design clothes for women around the world to wear and to have models wear my designs down the runway. I wanted to travel – to visit Paris, Rome and Japan and to learn their histories first hand and see for myself how people there really lived. I wanted to own a restaurant that would be blooming with overwhelming business. I had so many dreams that are now gone – no longer within my grasp.

I wanted to fall in love and get married, buy a little house with a white picket fence and a swing set and have my children grow up in a happy environment.

Well, I did fall in love and I did have children but I didn't get married.

When it comes to Ethan Winthrop, I am my own worst enemy. For years, I've schemed and used people to try and get Ethan to come back to me. I've threatened, hurt, and let my anger and bitterness blind me to what was really important.

I've afflicted so much pain on so many people. Gwen – god, what a mess that was. Losing her baby had been hard on her – sure, it wasn't my fault, but just the same I was partly responsible. And then stealing her embryos and losing another child – well, let's just say that there is too much history between us for us to have no hope of us becoming friends.

My mother – god, my poor mother. I don't know how she puts up with me, she hates that I'm always scheming, always manipulating. I suppose it all comes down to love, doesn't it? As I sit back and watch my world fall apart around me, for the very first time, I'm questioning myself. What is love? Does love really exist? I used to be so sure, but now I'm not sure what I believe anymore.

What hurts me more is that my children suffer for it. I look at little Ethan and I see what my actions have done to him. Because of me, he has suffered. My precious baby boy had suffered – so many nights he cried himself to sleep because of my selfish actions. I look at Jane and my heart breaks because she's so tiny and young and doesn't understand everything that is going on around her.

I'm tired of the agony and anguish each day brings because I know each day causes more and more destruction around me. I'm tired of all the heartache and sadness and constantly getting hurt and hurting others around me. I'm so tired of the suffering and torment and the constant bickering between Gwen and myself.

I'm trapped by my own bitterness and I have no clue how to let go. My pain has become a nightmare and I have no more strength left to fight.

I give up.

_xxx_


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